Drowning

Ok, I'm about to indulge myself in some wallowing self-pity.

I find myself constantly compromising myself for other people and pushing my feelings aside for some small amount of tranquillity or as an attempt to avoid some stupid melodrama. Mostly I'm speaking of my family. I hardly have enough friends to actually complain about them. The few that I am close with are good friends and I feel like they treat me with respect and compassion, and for that I am appreciative.

I haven't written anything in a while, so my thoughts aren't really flowing with the appropriate flow, but I am going to keep writing cause I have to get all of this out.

First, let's go back to Friday.

Friday I drove my dog to London to get spayed. She had to be there by 7:30AM and then picked up 5:30PM, so we had a bunch of time in between. So, we drove down to Windsor and first visited my Grandfather. Not too much to talk about with that aside from my Grandpa telling me I looked have gained 30lbs. Thanks, just what I needed to hear.

Afterwards, we headed to Leamington to visit my Grandma and the nursing home and pick up my mom as she had been there all week. It was neither good, nor bad, it just was.

We headed home and later that night one of my best friends came down to visit and she spent the weekend here. It was good, I had a lot of fun, and more importantly, it was nice to be around someone I'm actually close with and who knows me for who I am. I have so few friends around S-town, so most of my close friends live elsewhere. So, it was just nice to have a good friend around.

Anyways, this morning I had a doctor's appointment to look at the lump in my mouth. He checked it out and said it wasn't anything to worry about. Now this is where the self pitying comes up. I have to admit I was slightly disappointed that it was nothing to worry about. I don't know how else to explain this, but I was kind of hoping it would be something bad. I don't think anyone could truly understand this, and I fully understand that most people would say I was selfish and manipulative, but I kind of wanted some dreadful and serious, if only so that my family would pay some attention to me.

I know, I know, what a bratty, selfish, inconsiderate way of thinking, but I can't help feeling or wishing that.

Last time I saw my psychiatrist, he asked me how I was feeling and I gave him this an example of what I am experiencing. With all the people in my life that are supposed to be close to me (eg. my parents, my siblings etc), I feel like I'm in a pool splashing around and drowning. No one sees this though - what they see or what they think they see is just me waving my hands in the air saying hi. I feel like I'm drowning and no one sees it, they just see me going on as usual and won't notice anything different until I'm just not splashing around in the pool anymore, but sinking to the bottom.

This is where things get all fucked up. I am not in the smallest bit suicidal. In the past, I most definitely have been. Even presently, I think of suicide all the time, but never as something that I want to do, but I think about it, and think about choosing not to kill myself, and somehow it makes me feel stronger. It's like I know I could just go kill myself at any given time, but the the fact that I choose not to, that I choose NOT to just give up, makes me feel more empowered and in control of my life.

Now with that being said, I'll get to the messed up part. To be honest, the only times in my life where I feel like my family, or more specifically my parents, have truly acknowledge my struggles and taken my issues seriously is when I have overdosed, or have done something stupid and wound up in the hospital. I truly resent that. I'm at a point in my life where I've come to realize that killing or even just hurting myself isn't worth it. I may feel abandoned and taken for granted, but I'm worth a lot more than I've given myself credit for in the past. Basically I've come to the realization that I need to live for myself, and screw anyone else that might upset me - I am worth a lot, even if I'm the only person who can see my true worth.

However, I have to admit that I do yearn for an understanding; most specifically from my parents. I constantly feel like I am struggling through so much, and though I can see it, my parents take me for granted. There are so many things that they have done throughout my life that I resent and angers me to the core; but I am constantly forgiving them with the excuse that they are people and like anyone else, they can't be perfect. People say that parents love their children unconditionally, but I think it is quite the opposite. Parents choose to have their children. Children don't choose to have their parents, and because of that, children are eternally yearning for the love and affection of them. A child could have the worst parents in the world, but deep down inside, even that child wants the love and approval of their parents. It's fucked up.

Anyways, I feel like the only times my parents have actually validated my problems is when I've gone to the extreme and put my life at risk whether it be from an overdose or something like that. I don't want to do that anymore though. As much as I want my parents to recognize and give me the validation that I feel I need, I'm not going to put my life at risk anymore for that. I am worth more than that, and I'm not going to risk my own life for soemthing that I will probably never get from them.

So, in some sick, perverted way, having cancer or some life-threatenting disease is almost a fantasy for me. Emotionally, I want the attention and concern that would come along with something like that. Sadly, it often seems people don't fully appreciate something or someone until they're at risk of dying, or have already passed on. Rationally, however, I know that I don't want to be sickly and dying - I have far too many things that I want out of my life, and as much as I want that undivided attention from my parents, I want to live my life more.

I think that is one of the main reasons that I have chosen to move away from S-town and back to G-town. Living in the same city as my parents, I am constantly in contact with them, and always seem to find myself compromising myself to avoid some unnecessary chaos. My parents, as a couple, behave like a pair of teenagers and my sister and I are constantly used as pawns in the endless marrital battle between my parents. I've come to accept and forgive my parents for their shortcomings, but at the same time I realize that I need to get away from them. Being around them is so counterproductive. Either I fall back into the role of the dependent and them as the enablers, or I end up playing therapist and counsellor to them. I mean half the time I'm around my parents, I feel like I'm the one having to do the parenting. My parents would most certainly deny any of this and point out all the bad things I've done in my life, but they are constantly ignorant towards their own actions. They'd most likely list all of the things that they do or have done for me, and with that, I should be grateful and abolish and overlook their misgivings.

It's so frustrating. I love them to death, but the more I'm around them, the crazier I feel. Even when I try to stay distanced from their arguments and not get involved, I then in turn end up playing the role of the counsellor or therapist.

Ugh. I don't know what else to write. I'm just really irritated right now and I need to vent all of that shit out.

I love my parents, but I need to get away from them. I'm at a point where I'm starting to identify and deal with my issues - and one of the core issues revolves around my parents.

I truly love them, and I know they love me back unconditionally. They do so much for me, and I am very lucky for having them. I just wish in some way I could point out to them when they're not being rational or fair. It's like, just cause you're the parent, that doesn't give you carte blanche and make you right all the time.

At the same time too, I realize that I'm dealing with all my baggage and bullshit at the age of 25, and my parents are from a different generation and didn't have access to all the same resources that I have - so it's unfair to expect them to be able to identify and deal with all their issues. In that regard, I give them a lot of credit for taking that stuff on at their age. I mean, they could be completely ignorant and deny having any issues - but they don't, they're doing the best they can.

Argh. It's so frustrating. Relationships are so much work. It's no wonder I have so many pets - they're so much easier.

After writing all this, I feel bad. I don't mean to paint my parents in some negative light. They're great people. They're just not perfect - and I just want them to be ahahahah.

I dunno, I just think once I move back to G-town, my relationship with them will get better. Doesn't distance make the heart grow fonder? hahah

Anyways, I'm done venting. Time to take the pup for a walk, and then I'll post some none bitchy, complainy posts.


Cheerio.