Spots

Ok, so I'm kind of scared shitless right now.

A couple weeks ago I noticed a bump in the upper part of my mouth, in the hard palette. I passed it off as nothing out of the ordinary and have since mostly forgotten about it.

Recently, however, I asked my mom to take a look at it. She did, and observed that there were a couple white spots around the bump, and it itself is white as well.

Naturally, my mind flips to the most extreme and I've been reading all about oral cancers. Apparently, it is very common, and one of the most overlooked forms of cancer. In fact, I know a 17 year old girl who has oral cancer.

This sort of thing has never really been something that I've ever thought to be susceptible to. I mean, cancer is so common now that it almost has no effect hearing about it. Even with my Grandma being diagnosed with cancer recently, the thought of myself ever having it has never seemed possible. Maybe it's complete ignorance. Actually, that's exactly what is is.

Since the age of 14, I was a smoke, and have drank more than my share of alcohol since the same age as well. These two things are the most common precursors to oral cancer. But wait, I'm invincible - couldn't happen to me.

Now, after further research, I've learnt that oral cancer can also be caused by different strains of the HPV virus. This is probably the most alarming thing for me.

When I was 20, I contracted HPV from an ex whom wasn't quite as faithful as I had given him credit for. It resulted in me having to go for multiple treatments for the surface areas infected, but furthermore, I had to have surgery to have all of lesions inside my colon removed as they can cause cancer. Not a nice thought, but really, having surgery in your butt really isn't a pretty reality.

It was embarassing, painful and ultimately, traumatic. Aside from the trauma of the treatments and surgery, I was left unbelievably emotionally damaged, as my ex soon left me for someone else almost immediately after I confronted him about the HPV. He was the only person I had had sexual relationships in a little less than a year. He, on the other hand, had multiple relations with countless others; something that I denied to myself out of the blind effects of what I thought was love. Really it was infatuation - and an incredibly painful lesson in reality.

So, back to the spot in my mouth.

I've learnt tonight that HPV is a common precursor for oral cancer and that the infection often manifests in the mouth, then proceeds to become cancerous.

Needless to say, I'm scared shitless right now. I'm scared out of my mind of the possibility that I could have cancer. The irony of it all, though, is that I'm a victim of my own ignorance. I've smoked, I've drank, I partook in unsafe safe sex, all with this cavalier attitude; and now, I'm left with the consequences of my own stupid actions.

I seek no pity in this situation, as I am ultimately responsible for all my stupid decisions. That said, I'm just kind of in shock over the possibility that my actions could quite possibly have life changing outcomes. Ignorant is just one thing I've never thought myself to be, and now I have to reconsider that.

Of course, I don't know that I have cancer, but the prospect of it is overwhelming, and that's a euphemism if I've ever used one.

I made an appointment with my doctor for Monday, but now with all this worry, that seems like eons away from today. I should also make an appointment with my dentsit, however, I missed my last appointment (again, my own fault), and I don't have the money to pay for the missed appointment. I have dental coverage, but that doesn't cover the fees for missed appointments. Perhaps I should just go to a different dentist? My mind is spinning at an uncontrollable speed, and I know sleep will probably not be a luxury for me tonight, so naturally I'm not thinking as rationally as I should.

Wow. I'm freaked out.

Who'd have thought I wasn't invincible? Apparently, only me.

Who's the fool now...