Waves

They say grief comes in waves, and that is exactly what I'm feeling.

I don't want to say goodbye to my Grandma K.

We drove my mom down to visit my Grandma today. Again, the experience was hard to detail. It's so difficult to see my Grandma in the state that she is in. She looks so frail and can hardly move. Every two minutes she would ask us when we got there, having no memory of what we had just told her.

She exudes the purity and innocence of a small child, and it is humbling, to say the least, while being with her. My issues in life seem so small and inane while in the scope of this dying matriarch.

While I was there, I found myself overcome by anxiety and wanted to leave almost immediately after arriving. I found myself detached, dissociated and numb.

Now being back at home, I'm overcome by the strongest panes of grief. I find myself wanting to cry, and wishing I could go back and just hug her.

Why do I detach myself while there; yet, when back in the comfort of my own space, the gravity of the situation pours over me like a wave? Am I, in some way, protecting myself?

I can't figure myself out in this experience.

I just don't want to say goodbye.