I CAN MAKE YOU FEEL IT

Fallen Princesses

2009-06-17T21:44:00.001-04:00

By Dina Goldstein

8 June 2009

These works place Fairy Tale characters in modern day scenarios. In all of the images the Princess is placed in an environment that articulates her conflict. The '...happily ever after' is replaced with a realistic outcome and addresses current issues.

Fallen Princesses

Hotness from Vogue Hommes Japan

2009-06-17T02:20:00.004-04:00

Check out these super hot pics from Vogue Hommes Japan. Sorry, no info on the model, fashions or photographer, I found them on the blog Boy Culture.

Exquisite Corpse by Poppy Z. Brite

2009-06-17T01:46:00.005-04:00

I just finished reading Exquisite Corpse by the neo-gothic author Poppy Z. Brite.

It was a interesting read; quite different from what I was expecting. Having read about the book and many reviews, I was expecting the story to be more of a transgressive narrative of a sadistic, menacing and serial killer. I did not, however, realize that it also included three other main characters that played key parts in the storyline. Along with the one murderous villain, another equally twisted killer and two star crossed lovers also helped move the story along. It is set in New Orleans which gives the story a very atmospheric feel.

The story carries many common characteristics between the two serial killers and the notorious, real life serial killer, Jeffrey Dahmer. This made the novel an extra bit gruesome and twisted as the final scene is almost identical to a incident that arose with Jeffrey Dahmer's, one of his victims and the police.

It was an interesting composition, and looking back on it now, I would call it more of romance novel, but still a transgressive work of fiction. It definitely contained all the gore and disgust that I would come to expect from a novel written by an author compared to the likes of Dennis Cooper and Kathy Acker, but more detail was put into the love story between the two killers, juxtaposed with the story of the other two lovers. Though I was a bit put off by this twisted romance, the story ended in a cathartic, satisfying climax.

Being the first book I've read by Poppy Z. Brite, I quite enjoyed it and am definitely going to test out some of her other pieces of writing

Dark Places by Gillian Flynn

2009-06-16T21:48:00.004-04:00

Earlier this week I read Gillian Flynn's latest novel Dark Places, over the course of one night. It was such a great read, go buy it - now!

My first experience with Gillian Flynn was reading her first novel, Sharp Objects, which I also read through the course of night. Both novels have an incredible pace and instantly grab the readers' attention. I highly recommend either of these novels. Gillian has proven herself to be a literary force to reckon with - even Stephen King is raving about her!

Check out the write up from the official website.

Dark Places
I have a meanness inside me, real as an organ.
Libby Day was seven when her mother and two sisters were murdered in “The Satan Sacrifice of Kinnakee, Kansas.” As her family lay dying, little Libby fled their tiny farmhouse into the freezing January snow. She lost some fingers and toes, but she survived–and famously testified that her fifteen-year-old brother, Ben, was the killer. Twenty-five years later, Ben sits in prison, and troubled Libby lives off the dregs of a trust created by well-wishers who’ve long forgotten her.

The Kill Club is a macabre secret society obsessed with notorious crimes. When they locate Libby and pump her for details–proof they hope may free Ben–Libby hatches a plan to profit off her tragic history. For a fee, she’ll reconnect with the players from that night and report her findings to the club… and maybe she’ll admit her testimony wasn’t so solid after all.

As Libby’s search takes her from shabby Missouri strip clubs to abandoned Oklahoma tourist towns, the narrative flashes back to January 2, 1985. The events of that day are relayed through the eyes of Libby’s doomed family members–including Ben, a loner whose rage over his shiftless father and their failing farm have driven him into a disturbing friendship with the new girl in town. Piece by piece, the unimaginable truth emerges, and Libby finds herself right back where she started–on the run from a killer.

Below is the write up on Sharp Objects:

Sharp Objects

WICKED above her hipbone, GIRL across her heart
Words are like a road map to reporter Camille Preaker’s troubled past. Fresh from a brief stay at a psych hospital, Camille’s first assignment from the second-rate daily paper where she works brings her reluctantly back to her hometown to cover the murders of two preteen girls.

NASTY on her kneecap, BABYDOLL on her leg
Since she left town eight years ago, Camille has hardly spoken to her neurotic, hypochondriac mother or to the half-sister she barely knows: a beautiful thirteen-year-old with an eerie grip on the town. Now, installed again in her family’s Victorian mansion, Camille is haunted by the childhood tragedy she has spent her whole life trying to cut from her memory.

HARMFUL on her wrist, WHORE on her ankle
As Camille works to uncover the truth about these violent crimes, she finds herself identifying with the young victims—a bit too strongly. Clues keep leading to dead ends, forcing Camille to unravel the psychological puzzle of her own past to get at the story. Dogged by her own demons, Camille will have to confront what happened to her years before if she wants to survive this homecoming.

With its taut, crafted writing, Sharp Objects is addictive, haunting, and unforgettable.

Meet Me Downtown

2009-06-16T21:43:00.005-04:00

Check out this super hot editorial spread from Blank Magazing shot by the photographer duo Steven Gomillion and Dennis Leupold with the incredibly hot model Leandro ‘The Lips’ Maeder.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Heads Will Roll video

2009-06-04T03:34:00.005-04:00

Check out the super fresh new video for the Yeah Yeah Yeahs' new single Heads Will Roll off their latest and pretty effin' great new album It's Blitz.

Can Karen O get any cooler?

Definitely a contender for best music video of the year!

MGMT's Kids Video.... Finally!

2009-06-04T02:18:00.003-04:00

Well, unless you were living under a rock during 2008, you've heard some of MGMT's super catchy tunes.

After what seems like forever, they've finally released a video for the single Kids from their album Oracular Spectacular.

Check out the ultra trippy video below.

Guapo

2009-06-03T21:46:00.004-04:00

Not too long ago I came across a delicious new art, fashion and lifestyle blog called Guapo.and it's definitely on my list of favourites.

They've got some really hot photo spreads over there, so I definitely recommend checking it out.

Take a look at their latest, Nude Shines shot by Jamie Llambias below, and go to http://www.guapomagazine.com/ to see lots more hot shoots. All of the spreads are amazing and I'd post them all if I had the patience, but I don't, so just trust me.

Blech.

2009-06-03T21:36:00.002-04:00

Hmm.

I'm uber moody this week. I don't know why.

I blame the nicotine I inhaled over the weekend.

Silly me.

And on that note, some new anti-smoking ads from the BBC. Click the link to see the full size pics and some others as well.

Recommended Listening

2009-05-28T01:07:00.003-04:00

Another great musician that I`ve recently come across is named Pajo (MySpace) and has a new album called Scream With Me.

The music is sparse, folky and acoustic, but very haunting and unforgettable.

Below is the video for the single Where Eagles Dare

Recommended Listening

2009-05-28T01:02:00.002-04:00

Go check out this band IO Echo, they are awesome! They kind of remind me of The Kills meet Yeah Yeah Yeahs. In other words - effin' great!

Check out the video for Addicted below:

Recommended Listening

2009-05-28T00:54:00.004-04:00

I recently downloaded Jack Peñate's new album Everything Is New and I just can't quit listening to it!

Check out the video below for his single Tonight's Today below

Quick Quote

2009-05-28T00:46:00.000-04:00

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.

- Frederich Nietzsche

Psycho Sexual

2009-05-27T22:10:00.003-04:00

Love love love this Psycho Killer spread from the June 2009 issue of Dazed & Confused. The gory spread is photographed by Matt Irwin and styled by Robbie Spencer. The model is Artur Daniyarov (from Elite) and he's workin' it in this spread.

Haunting

2009-05-27T22:02:00.003-04:00

Check out these incredible images from Francois Kalife, they're absolutely stunning!

Take a look at his website here http://www.francoiskalife.com/

Decompression

2009-05-25T21:01:00.004-04:00

Ok, so I took my dog my a walk. Stopped by a friend's place for a bit and then just came back home.

Just before I left, my mom stopped by with some cat and dog food for me, and I felt kind of like a jerk for the tirade on my last posting.

My parents are really great. They treat me well, and I am lucky to have them. But, like any normal human relationship, there is always going to be those things that bug you, and sometimes they'll drive you crazy, but the good outweighs the bad.

While I was walking home, I was contemplating deleting my last post, but I decided not to. One of the 'skills' that we've been working on in my group is taking a situation and observing your thoughts and feelings and describing them. It's sounds so elementary, but it's something that I'm really finding to be beneficial.

I came to realize that when I'm posting on my blog, I'm basically observing my thoughts, feelings or behaviours, and by writing about them I'm describing them. It seems so silly, but it's quite amazing what I'm learning. I'm learning that for too much of my life, I have avoided or hidden my emotions, and have made it so that my emotions difficult to access. Even more so, this avoidance of emotion has made it almost impossible to understand what I'm feeling when I'm feeling it. It's like I can understand happy and sad, but things like anxiety, boredom, inadequacy, abandonment and nervousness are unfamiliar; not because I haven't experienced them, but that I've attached a word to the feeling. And the more I keep describing things, the more I understand my emotions.

For that reason, I'm not going to delete my last post. It's part of a learning process, and therefore what I write here is like diary - it's an account of my experiences and feelings. Sometimes it's going to be all happy go lucky stuff, and sometimes it's going to be negative. What's important to understand with that, is that when I am writing, I am observing and describing my emotions while in an emotional mind. Part of reaching a collaborative thinking (wise mind) between my emotional mind and my rational mind is doing this, so it's a step toward understanding and bettering my life and my relationships with people.

Anyways, enough thinking.

Ciao.

Drowning

2009-05-25T18:54:00.005-04:00

Ok, I'm about to indulge myself in some wallowing self-pity.

I find myself constantly compromising myself for other people and pushing my feelings aside for some small amount of tranquillity or as an attempt to avoid some stupid melodrama. Mostly I'm speaking of my family. I hardly have enough friends to actually complain about them. The few that I am close with are good friends and I feel like they treat me with respect and compassion, and for that I am appreciative.

I haven't written anything in a while, so my thoughts aren't really flowing with the appropriate flow, but I am going to keep writing cause I have to get all of this out.

First, let's go back to Friday.

Friday I drove my dog to London to get spayed. She had to be there by 7:30AM and then picked up 5:30PM, so we had a bunch of time in between. So, we drove down to Windsor and first visited my Grandfather. Not too much to talk about with that aside from my Grandpa telling me I looked have gained 30lbs. Thanks, just what I needed to hear.

Afterwards, we headed to Leamington to visit my Grandma and the nursing home and pick up my mom as she had been there all week. It was neither good, nor bad, it just was.

We headed home and later that night one of my best friends came down to visit and she spent the weekend here. It was good, I had a lot of fun, and more importantly, it was nice to be around someone I'm actually close with and who knows me for who I am. I have so few friends around S-town, so most of my close friends live elsewhere. So, it was just nice to have a good friend around.

Anyways, this morning I had a doctor's appointment to look at the lump in my mouth. He checked it out and said it wasn't anything to worry about. Now this is where the self pitying comes up. I have to admit I was slightly disappointed that it was nothing to worry about. I don't know how else to explain this, but I was kind of hoping it would be something bad. I don't think anyone could truly understand this, and I fully understand that most people would say I was selfish and manipulative, but I kind of wanted some dreadful and serious, if only so that my family would pay some attention to me.

I know, I know, what a bratty, selfish, inconsiderate way of thinking, but I can't help feeling or wishing that.

Last time I saw my psychiatrist, he asked me how I was feeling and I gave him this an example of what I am experiencing. With all the people in my life that are supposed to be close to me (eg. my parents, my siblings etc), I feel like I'm in a pool splashing around and drowning. No one sees this though - what they see or what they think they see is just me waving my hands in the air saying hi. I feel like I'm drowning and no one sees it, they just see me going on as usual and won't notice anything different until I'm just not splashing around in the pool anymore, but sinking to the bottom.

This is where things get all fucked up. I am not in the smallest bit suicidal. In the past, I most definitely have been. Even presently, I think of suicide all the time, but never as something that I want to do, but I think about it, and think about choosing not to kill myself, and somehow it makes me feel stronger. It's like I know I could just go kill myself at any given time, but the the fact that I choose not to, that I choose NOT to just give up, makes me feel more empowered and in control of my life.

Now with that being said, I'll get to the messed up part. To be honest, the only times in my life where I feel like my family, or more specifically my parents, have truly acknowledge my struggles and taken my issues seriously is when I have overdosed, or have done something stupid and wound up in the hospital. I truly resent that. I'm at a point in my life where I've come to realize that killing or even just hurting myself isn't worth it. I may feel abandoned and taken for granted, but I'm worth a lot more than I've given myself credit for in the past. Basically I've come to the realization that I need to live for myself, and screw anyone else that might upset me - I am worth a lot, even if I'm the only person who can see my true worth.

However, I have to admit that I do yearn for an understanding; most specifically from my parents. I constantly feel like I am struggling through so much, and though I can see it, my parents take me for granted. There are so many things that they have done throughout my life that I resent and angers me to the core; but I am constantly forgiving them with the excuse that they are people and like anyone else, they can't be perfect. People say that parents love their children unconditionally, but I think it is quite the opposite. Parents choose to have their children. Children don't choose to have their parents, and because of that, children are eternally yearning for the love and affection of them. A child could have the worst parents in the world, but deep down inside, even that child wants the love and approval of their parents. It's fucked up.

Anyways, I feel like the only times my parents have actually validated my problems is when I've gone to the extreme and put my life at risk whether it be from an overdose or something like that. I don't want to do that anymore though. As much as I want my parents to recognize and give me the validation that I feel I need, I'm not going to put my life at risk anymore for that. I am worth more than that, and I'm not going to risk my own life for soemthing that I will probably never get from them.

So, in some sick, perverted way, having cancer or some life-threatenting disease is almost a fantasy for me. Emotionally, I want the attention and concern that would come along with something like that. Sadly, it often seems people don't fully appreciate something or someone until they're at risk of dying, or have already passed on. Rationally, however, I know that I don't want to be sickly and dying - I have far too many things that I want out of my life, and as much as I want that undivided attention from my parents, I want to live my life more.

I think that is one of the main reasons that I have chosen to move away from S-town and back to G-town. Living in the same city as my parents, I am constantly in contact with them, and always seem to find myself compromising myself to avoid some unnecessary chaos. My parents, as a couple, behave like a pair of teenagers and my sister and I are constantly used as pawns in the endless marrital battle between my parents. I've come to accept and forgive my parents for their shortcomings, but at the same time I realize that I need to get away from them. Being around them is so counterproductive. Either I fall back into the role of the dependent and them as the enablers, or I end up playing therapist and counsellor to them. I mean half the time I'm around my parents, I feel like I'm the one having to do the parenting. My parents would most certainly deny any of this and point out all the bad things I've done in my life, but they are constantly ignorant towards their own actions. They'd most likely list all of the things that they do or have done for me, and with that, I should be grateful and abolish and overlook their misgivings.

It's so frustrating. I love them to death, but the more I'm around them, the crazier I feel. Even when I try to stay distanced from their arguments and not get involved, I then in turn end up playing the role of the counsellor or therapist.

Ugh. I don't know what else to write. I'm just really irritated right now and I need to vent all of that shit out.

I love my parents, but I need to get away from them. I'm at a point where I'm starting to identify and deal with my issues - and one of the core issues revolves around my parents.

I truly love them, and I know they love me back unconditionally. They do so much for me, and I am very lucky for having them. I just wish in some way I could point out to them when they're not being rational or fair. It's like, just cause you're the parent, that doesn't give you carte blanche and make you right all the time.

At the same time too, I realize that I'm dealing with all my baggage and bullshit at the age of 25, and my parents are from a different generation and didn't have access to all the same resources that I have - so it's unfair to expect them to be able to identify and deal with all their issues. In that regard, I give them a lot of credit for taking that stuff on at their age. I mean, they could be completely ignorant and deny having any issues - but they don't, they're doing the best they can.

Argh. It's so frustrating. Relationships are so much work. It's no wonder I have so many pets - they're so much easier.

After writing all this, I feel bad. I don't mean to paint my parents in some negative light. They're great people. They're just not perfect - and I just want them to be ahahahah.

I dunno, I just think once I move back to G-town, my relationship with them will get better. Doesn't distance make the heart grow fonder? hahah

Anyways, I'm done venting. Time to take the pup for a walk, and then I'll post some none bitchy, complainy posts.

Cheerio.

Spots

2009-05-19T22:57:00.003-04:00

Ok, so I'm kind of scared shitless right now.

A couple weeks ago I noticed a bump in the upper part of my mouth, in the hard palette. I passed it off as nothing out of the ordinary and have since mostly forgotten about it.

Recently, however, I asked my mom to take a look at it. She did, and observed that there were a couple white spots around the bump, and it itself is white as well.

Naturally, my mind flips to the most extreme and I've been reading all about oral cancers. Apparently, it is very common, and one of the most overlooked forms of cancer. In fact, I know a 17 year old girl who has oral cancer.

This sort of thing has never really been something that I've ever thought to be susceptible to. I mean, cancer is so common now that it almost has no effect hearing about it. Even with my Grandma being diagnosed with cancer recently, the thought of myself ever having it has never seemed possible. Maybe it's complete ignorance. Actually, that's exactly what is is.

Since the age of 14, I was a smoke, and have drank more than my share of alcohol since the same age as well. These two things are the most common precursors to oral cancer. But wait, I'm invincible - couldn't happen to me.

Now, after further research, I've learnt that oral cancer can also be caused by different strains of the HPV virus. This is probably the most alarming thing for me.

When I was 20, I contracted HPV from an ex whom wasn't quite as faithful as I had given him credit for. It resulted in me having to go for multiple treatments for the surface areas infected, but furthermore, I had to have surgery to have all of lesions inside my colon removed as they can cause cancer. Not a nice thought, but really, having surgery in your butt really isn't a pretty reality.

It was embarassing, painful and ultimately, traumatic. Aside from the trauma of the treatments and surgery, I was left unbelievably emotionally damaged, as my ex soon left me for someone else almost immediately after I confronted him about the HPV. He was the only person I had had sexual relationships in a little less than a year. He, on the other hand, had multiple relations with countless others; something that I denied to myself out of the blind effects of what I thought was love. Really it was infatuation - and an incredibly painful lesson in reality.

So, back to the spot in my mouth.

I've learnt tonight that HPV is a common precursor for oral cancer and that the infection often manifests in the mouth, then proceeds to become cancerous.

Needless to say, I'm scared shitless right now. I'm scared out of my mind of the possibility that I could have cancer. The irony of it all, though, is that I'm a victim of my own ignorance. I've smoked, I've drank, I partook in unsafe safe sex, all with this cavalier attitude; and now, I'm left with the consequences of my own stupid actions.

I seek no pity in this situation, as I am ultimately responsible for all my stupid decisions. That said, I'm just kind of in shock over the possibility that my actions could quite possibly have life changing outcomes. Ignorant is just one thing I've never thought myself to be, and now I have to reconsider that.

Of course, I don't know that I have cancer, but the prospect of it is overwhelming, and that's a euphemism if I've ever used one.

I made an appointment with my doctor for Monday, but now with all this worry, that seems like eons away from today. I should also make an appointment with my dentsit, however, I missed my last appointment (again, my own fault), and I don't have the money to pay for the missed appointment. I have dental coverage, but that doesn't cover the fees for missed appointments. Perhaps I should just go to a different dentist? My mind is spinning at an uncontrollable speed, and I know sleep will probably not be a luxury for me tonight, so naturally I'm not thinking as rationally as I should.

Wow. I'm freaked out.

Who'd have thought I wasn't invincible? Apparently, only me.

Who's the fool now...

Waves

2009-05-19T21:40:00.004-04:00

They say grief comes in waves, and that is exactly what I'm feeling.

I don't want to say goodbye to my Grandma K.

We drove my mom down to visit my Grandma today. Again, the experience was hard to detail. It's so difficult to see my Grandma in the state that she is in. She looks so frail and can hardly move. Every two minutes she would ask us when we got there, having no memory of what we had just told her.

She exudes the purity and innocence of a small child, and it is humbling, to say the least, while being with her. My issues in life seem so small and inane while in the scope of this dying matriarch.

While I was there, I found myself overcome by anxiety and wanted to leave almost immediately after arriving. I found myself detached, dissociated and numb.

Now being back at home, I'm overcome by the strongest panes of grief. I find myself wanting to cry, and wishing I could go back and just hug her.

Why do I detach myself while there; yet, when back in the comfort of my own space, the gravity of the situation pours over me like a wave? Am I, in some way, protecting myself?

I can't figure myself out in this experience.

I just don't want to say goodbye.

New Florence and the Machine video!

2009-05-19T20:14:00.005-04:00

Brand new video for the single Rabbit Heart from Florence and the Machine's (or check out her MySpace page)upcoming debut album, Lungs, out July 6.

This woman never ceases to amaze me - she is just incredible!

(Use this link to watch the video in a larger format)

Adventures in K-town

2009-05-19T00:00:00.006-04:00

Today was a lovely day!

My mom, sister and myself all trekked up to K-town to visit my brother B, his wife K and his two darling little girls.

It was a much needed visit as I hadn't seen the girls since last summer, and we still hadn't done our big Christmas gift exchange, as well as both girls' birthdays which had just past.

It was really nice to see my brother's family, I love them to bits and wish I could get to see them more often.

K-town continues to grow and develop; I can barely believe it's the same community that I grew up in.

I got some amazing pictures of the girls and am currently trying to upload them to PhotoBucket. I've never used it before, so let's hope it works! I'll post a link to album once it's done.

UPDATE: I just got all the pictures uploaded to PhotoBucket. You can check them out here. It is password protected, just for the safety of my gorgeous nieces; so anyone wanting to take a look can just e-mail me and I'll forward you the password.

Metropolis

2009-05-18T22:47:00.002-04:00

Check out this short film for Janelle Monae's song Many Moons. Check out her MySpace as well.

This chick is bangin'!

Design Crazy

2009-05-18T22:30:00.003-04:00

Check out these crazy awesome designs by the artist Sean Freeman.

Check out his website!

Beef.

2009-05-18T22:18:00.003-04:00

Ok, I've got a major beef.

I just wanted to post 3 videos from 3 different artists, and all of them had embedding disabled from YouTube.

Why do they do that? Isn't free advertising when people post things like that on their blog? I mean isn't it just more exposure?

I dunno, I don't get it. Please explain it to me if you know why.

Smile

2009-05-18T22:04:00.001-04:00

It could be worse. You could be one of these people.

M.I.A. on Sri Lanka

2009-05-18T22:01:00.004-04:00

"25, 000 tamil people left to die by the red cross as sinhalese party in the street. and im takin news from tamil net because the bbc is still sayig 70, 000 dead, when in the last week alone they' ve reported 10, 000. the've used the 70, 000 number for 26 years, it was 70, 000 dead when i left in the 80s. i wonder if they are contractually ordered to keep repeating the same figure from 1987 to make the war seem bullshit. THE WAR IN SRI LANKA IS NOT AGAINST THE TIGERS, ITS AGAINST THE TAMIL PEOPLE!"

-- M.I.A., calling out the BBC's coverage of the Sri Lankan civil war. (via @_M_I_A_)

Quick Quotes

2009-05-13T01:00:00.000-04:00

Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one, and I actually receive my mail there.
- Scott Adams

The universal brotherhood of man is our most precious possession, what there is of it.
- Mark Twain

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
- Thomas A. Edison

Androgynous Beauty

2009-05-13T00:39:00.004-04:00

Came across this editorial spread by photographer Jason Eric Hardwick for OAK NYC with Ford model Kyle Saunders. Joshua Liebman did the styling and I love love love it! . Check out Oak where you can also buy any of these fashion items.

Grandma K

2009-05-12T18:09:00.002-04:00

So yesterday was spent visiting my Grandma at her nursing home in Leamington.

As I had written in my previous posting, I was feeling a little apprehensive about the whole thing.

The day started with my brother arriving in town to pick my Mom and I up. We then started our 2 1/2 hour journey to Leamington. It was a nice ride and my Mom, brother and I got to all catch up with each other and what we've all been up to.

We arrived in Leamington, then stopped at Burger King to grab some lunch before heading over to the nursing home.

I was actually quite impressed when we entered the facility. It was very bright, clean and, most importantly, welcoming. We went up to the second floor and found my Grandma's room.

At this point, my trepidation toward the day was activated in full force. We arrived to find my Aunt sitting in a comfy chair and my Grandma lying down in her bed. The first thing I noticed was how frail and delicate my Grandma looked. As soon as she saw us, I could sense that it was a very warm surprise for her. She kept looking at me and telling how good looking to keep getting - it was sweet and just the type of thing I would expect from her.

What I did not expect from her, however, was her bright and cheery demeanour. She kept smiling the whole time and it was such a sweet and innocent thing. Almost immediately, I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. I don't know how to describe the situation, but it just seemed so surreal. Here we were visiting a loved one who we are starting to grieve the loss of, and it was like she had no idea about it. This was very relieving as the day was passed in a very fun and light manner. Internally though, I was feeling extremely emotionally spent. It was so difficult to come to terms with the fact that this may well be my last time seeing this woman who has loved me and I have loved in return my whole life. Death is such a real and powerful thing, but at the same time it feels so unreal and difficult to understand.

We spent the first bit of the afternoon going through photo albums that my mom had put together of all our family members and my Grandma. It was a nice retrospective, but I couldn't help this sadness creeping up inside me. It was strange to be looking at all these past memories that seemed so recent, distorted by time and packed away in the corners of my mind. My Grandma clearly appreciated all the pictures and memories, and I was happy to have spent this time going over old times past with her.

What I found the most compelling about the whole day was the strength and grace that my Grandma had. Never once did she complain or give any sign of pain. She was so incredibly graceful and it was humbling to see this woman who is clearly in so much pain yet gave no outward signs of it. The whole time I was there I just wanted curl up in bed with her and hug her. I really wasn't expecting the emotional onslaught of it all, and I often found my mind trying to detach itself from the situation.

From time to time, a look would come across my Grandma's face that was nothing short of painful to see. She would have this look of pure confusion and seemed as though she was completely lost. I found this to be the most difficult thing of the whole day. When this look would come across her face, I just wanted to hold her and tell her everything was going to be alright. It was as if she were an innocent little child who was completely overwhelmed and didn't understand what was going on. I knew that with the Alzheimer's, this sort of thing happens, but nothing could actually prepare me for how difficult it was to see and experience.

Overall the day was good, and I'm glad that this time that I got to spend with my Grandma was spent happily and that she did not seem to be in great pain or very aware of the severeness of her illness. In fact, she has not even been told about the cancer. At this point, treatment would be excruciating and pointless, so we've all felt that it was better to spend this time with her as positively as possible.

I don't even know what to write right now. As I'm typing this, I'm crying and I can say I haven't felt like this in such a long time. It's incredibly painful to be grieving this great woman, especially when she hasn't passed on, but we know it can happen at anytime.

I can't write anything else, I can't put my feelings and thought into words right now.

Grandma, I love you.

I'm going to miss you incredibly; I already do.

You will always be remembered and cherished in my heart.

Narcissist

2009-05-11T02:47:00.005-04:00

Found this posting from the blog humachine and thought it was too funny not to post it:

i’m so fucking narcissistic that i turn MYSELF on.
katherine

transcribed from late night banter

And on that thought, a few quotes on narcissism:

“Shyness has a strange element of narcissism, a belief that how we look, how we perform, is truly important to other people.”
Andre Dubus
Whoever loves becomes humble. Those who love have, so to speak, pawned a part of their narcissism.”
Sigmund Freud

loathe narcissism, but I approve of vanity”
Diana Vreeland

“Among all the emotions, the rich have the least talent for love. It is possible to love one's dog, dress or duck-shooting hat, but a human being presents a more difficult problem. The rich might wish to experience feelings of affection, but it is almost impossible to chip away the enamel of their narcissism. They take up all the space in all the mirrors in the house. Their children, who represent the most present and therefore the most annoying claim on their attention, usually receive the brunt of their irritation.”
Lewis H. Lapham
“As individuals and as a nation, we now suffer from social narcissism. The beloved Echo of our ancestors, the virgin America, has been abandoned. We have fallen in love with our own image, with images of our making, which turn out to be images of ourselves.”
Daniel J. Boorstin quotes

Death and Other Things to Avoid

2009-05-10T17:32:00.005-04:00

Earlier this year, we had to put my Grandma, on my Mom's side, into a nursing home. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease a couple years ago, but it had progressed to a point where my Aunt who lives in the same city couldn't take care of her anymore. Besides the mental and physical toll that this responsibility placed on my Aunt, I can't believe the emotional weight that it must have had as well. My Mom has gone down on several occasions to help take care of my Grandma, and each time she returns, I can see the emotional pain that it has put into her. I can't begin to imagine what it must be like to slowly watch your mother disappear day by day, regressing almost to a child like state.

Recently, my Grandma fell sometime during the day and the nurses at her home found her on her bedroom floor. With her Alzheimer's taking such a strong hold on her, it was impossible for them to find out what had happened, as my Grandma simply can't remember.

After this, my Grandma has taken a toll for the worst. She is of Polish background, and food has always been something almost sacred to her. In the past at the nursing home, she would eat dinner, and five minutes later if she was told it was time to eat again, she'd have no qualms about it. I can remember through all the visits I've made to her house, my Grandma would rarely leave the kitchen. Her way of knowing she was keeping the family happy and well cared for was to be in constant supply of food.

In her current state, my Grandma has begun to refuse food. This is an obvious warning signal.

After finally getting the results from her x-rays and blood work, we have found out that she has many fractures, but much worse, it was determined that she has cancer.

At first, it was unknown as to where the cancer was attacking her. We have now found out that the cancer is in her spine. When asked for a timeline from the doctor, he refrained from giving us one as he was not comfortable doing so. He gave us an example where he gave one family an estimate of a couple months, then within 48 hours, the woman had contracted pneumonia and died.

Needless to say, this crawl towards death has tainted all of our worlds, and the weight of it is carried on all of our shoulders.

I have had two other grandparents die in the past, so this is almost something that I have come to expect and understand. While I am very saddened by it, I can't help but feel a little dissociated from it as well. Part of me sees what is transpiring and is telling my brain I should be feeling sadness, yet I don't entirely. I've found myself in this sort of state before, and I think it is a side effect from all the medications I take. It's like a go throughout my days, and I can identify things where I should feel one emotion or another, but I don't. I would like to say that I feel numb, but I can't, as I can still identify which emotions I should be feeling. Instead, I would have to say that I feel tortured by this.

The worst part of this situation has to be seeing my Mom going through the process of grief. As a grandchild, the death of a grandparent is never really something that you don't expect to see. As a child though, I can't begin to fathom the death of a parent. Seeing my Mom, going through the days leading up to whenever my Grandma passes away is beyond painful. I can't help but think of the phrase 'a deer caught in the headlights' , because that is what I see in my Mom. She sees what is coming, and is being forced to understand and confront the mortality of her mom. She's in a frantic state where she is unable to focus on anything and has taken to clean the house compulsively. She has said that it is a matter of control; cleaning the house she can control, but the impending death of her mother is something she has no control over. I have seen this sort of thing before, mostly with people I know with eating disorders, but it still effects me through some string of attachment.

What I find the most difficult about this situation is, however, the fact of my Mother's mortality. I think most people go through life, and the thought of their parents dying is abstract and something out of reach. You know that it's going to happen one day, but the reality of it doesn't hit until either something forces you to confront it, or worse, it happens.

I find myself almost wanting to avoid my Mom just because of how hard it is to see her grieving her mother, who is still alive. When I draw a parallel to myself, it is much worse as I can't begin to imagine what it is going to be like when one of my parents die. I know it's going to happen, death is one of the few things that is certain in this life, but the understanding of it seems so out of reach. It's like trying to describe a colour that you've never seen before.

Tomorrow, my brother, my mom and myself are going down to visit my Grandma in her nursing home. I can't fully describe how I feel about it. Part of me want to find some reason not to go and avoid seeing the face of death; the other knowing I must go as part out of my duty as a member of the family. The concept of my Grandma and her Alzheimer's and impending death feel so much safer tucked away in the corners of my mind. Seeing her tomorrow will force it to be real and that is scary to me.

Another thing I fear is when all this becomes real to me, and I am face to face with the mortality of a woman that I've loved my whole life, is that I won't feel what I should feel. I've had many situations since being put on my anti-depressants and other medications, where I've been confronted with a situation where I know how I should feel about it, but I simply can't. It's like a computer trying to run a program that has been deleted from it's memory.

It's a difficult thing to deal with, but understanding it is much harder.When being faced by these ghost feelings, I can't help but begin to feel inhuman. I wanted to write less than human, when thinking about it, I began to wonder if this loss of emotion is some sort of stage in human evolution; a step towards a super level of being.

If as humans we can erase our emotional ties and bonds, will it fix us? Imagine the many wars and massacres that the world is faced with everyday because of people being run by their emotions, lacking the rationale to think of the eventual ending. It almost makes me think of a Utopian world where we would be able to face our issues and problems with a rational mind; bypassing any emotional ties or bonds, thus, eliminating the irrationality that accompanies those such human characteristics.

Moreover, is it these such things that make us human? And if they are, what does it make people like me, who are numbed by medications? A psychopath is someone who doesn't know right from wrong, a sociopath is someone who knows right from wrong, but lacks the conscience or empathy to consider the two. What am I? I know right from wrong, I know good from bad, I know how I should feel about most thinks, yet I lack the capacity to experience.

At times I want to quit all the medications; refrain from the very things that limit my emotional capacity. While the thought is tempting, I also know that emotionally I am mutated and lack the capability to control them. I've tried cutting the meds out, and within days I was having crying fits for no reason and seizures. I know that the meds help me immensely and I probably would have killed myself by now had I not started them years ago but I can't help question efficacy which is better. Leading a life where emotions are cut out of your system makes me feel detached and disconnected from humanity. Is this my human response to such a thing, or is it simply the outcome of a life where emotions are placed in a column of human obligation.

Am evolved? Am I devolving? Or have I been removed from humanity and joined a breed of new beings and existence?

I don't know, but, I hope I can one day understand.

My Hostages by Jiri David of Prague

2009-05-10T16:50:00.002-04:00

I found these image's on Slava Mogutin's, one my favourite artist's, blog.

His website can be found here SLAVA MOGUTIN

They are from a series called My Hostages, by Jiri David of Prague.

I find them to be quite arresting.

Recommended Listening

2009-05-10T16:21:00.005-04:00

Check out the album Marry Me Tonight by the band HTRK (pronounced Hate Rock) and their MySpace page to listen to some of their tunes

Since I downloaded this album, I can't stop listening to it. I don't know what it is about it, but something just keeps drawing me in. It's dark and brooding, yet there is something almost sexual about it.

I can't help but think of the author Dennis Cooper while listening to it, especially the track Rentboy.

I haven't found any official music videos by them yet, but you can check out what looks like a fan made video collage of live performances below:

From Beginning to End

2009-05-10T16:05:00.004-04:00

I recently came across a trailer for a Brazilian movie called Do Começo Ao Fim (From Beginning to end). The movie is an examination of two brothers and their intimate relationship. From the trailer, it looks to be bordering on incest, but having not seen the flick yet, I'm not going to say that it is definitely incestual. What I see from the trailer is a relationship between to brothers that is extremely close and not of the norm.

I really want to see this movie, as I believe the director has taken on a subject that is rather taboo, but from the trailer, it looks like pure brilliance. The cinematography and character portrayals look expceptional from the trailer and I can't wait to see the whole movie so I can see where the director takes it.

I enjoy movies that take on a subject that falls out of what society deems as acceptable and forces the viewer to examine something other than what they would normally. I admire the courage and conviction that these directors and screenwriters have when creating their films. Art is to make people think and reflect on things from a different perspective from their own natural view.

Check out the trailer below:

Back from the Dead

2009-05-10T15:33:00.004-04:00

Well for the last few days, I've been feeling like death. Being paranoid, naturally I was convinced I had swine flu.

Well three days later, and I'm still alive and feeling better!

(That's a good thing)

Recommended Listening - New Courtney Love!!

2009-05-06T20:26:00.004-04:00

OMFG. Courtney Love's sophomore album Nobody's Daughter has leaked onto the interweb!!

I am the HUGEST Courtney Love fan, and I don't care what anyone says about that!

She's taught me that you can be both crazy and semi-successful!

Now of course I'm going to go out and buy this record when it comes out, but I'm way too obsessed not to listen to it now. I have no shame.

Fan-fucking-tastic!

Check out the track Sunset Marquis below:

Recommended Listening

2009-05-06T19:03:00.007-04:00

Ok, I'm totally exhausted today. Not entirely sure why; my day has consisted of sitting around, eating and going to my group therapy. Whatever. My brain needs a break - even if it's a break from not doing anything.

Anyways, I've been listening to an album called Devotion Implosion from a band named Gliss (MySpace)while catching up with all my blog feeds, and it's really growing on me. Actually, it's effin good, so I thought I'd post their video for their single Gimme The Hit. You can read their blog here.

Check ya later.

UPDATE: I'm an idiot. Gimme the Hit isn't on their album Devotion Implosion. Their single Morning Light is on it, however, so check out that video as well

Jenny Lewis, I love you

2009-05-06T13:17:00.004-04:00

Check out Jenny Lewis' performance of See Fernando on Craig Ferguson from last night.

This lovely lady can do no wrong, she's just great - and by great I mean incredible.

Go buy (iTunes) and listen to her album Acid Tongue now! It's fantastic and worth every penny!

Also, check her out performing Bad Man's World from her performance at QMU, in Glasgow.

Recommended Listening

2009-05-05T17:38:00.003-04:00

Just downloaded the new album Yesterday and Today by The Field. Pretty frickin' spectacular.

Go listen. Now.

Sacrilege, and it's incredibly hot!

2009-05-05T17:19:00.003-04:00

From the new ad campaign called 'Submit to the Temptation' by Antonio Federici

Jazz Trance

2009-05-05T17:12:00.005-04:00

Just came across this image, and I thought it was stunning, so I'm posting it here. It's by an artist named Ian Johnson.

Check him out.

Wino

2009-05-05T16:54:00.003-04:00

Ok, so I set myself a goal this week to not drink any alcohol.

The past month or so I've been drinking pretty heavily; mostly I think because of the added stress that I've been under.

I'm not at the point where I can say that I am going to quit drinking completely, or even if I want to for that matter.

Well it's only Tuesday, and I almost just slipped. Last night I went out with a couple friends to a pub, and was successful in not drinking. I love love love beer, so being at the pub was tough, but I stuck to coke and ordered some battered mushroom.
No problems.

Today, however, I almost slipped without even thinking about it. I was with my mom and she was stopping at the grocery store to get a bottle of wine. Naturally, I was looking forward to getting home and having a glass with her.

Whoa.

I didn't even realize that I was thinking about drinking alcohol. It was just the normal sequence of events, almost instinctual.

I had debated about whether or not I was going to write about this goal on my blog, or even tell anybody about it. I felt like if I made this goal, and if I slipped, I'd have to deal with the shame of other people knowing.

After today and my almost accidental slip up, I've decided that writing about it can only help solidify my goal in my mind, thus, lessening the risk of making that sort of mistake. I'm not writing about it to exclaim to the world that I'm not drinking for a week (really, that's not much to boast about), but only so that by putting in words on screen (instead of on paper), it makes the thought more concrete. Sound right? I think so.

So cheers to me for doing it, and wish me luck!

UPDATE: I started writing this post while I was in the car with my mom via my Blackberry. Currently I'm sitting in the living room watching TV with her. She's having a glass of wine and this his is sheer torture. Wow, I didn't actually think it would be so difficult. I'm not going to mention anything to her or ask her not to drink it around me, however, because she's entitled to what she likes in her own house, and I'm not judging her for having a glass. This is my own struggle, and thus, I'm taking it on myself.

Recommended Listening

2009-05-05T15:25:00.002-04:00

Unless you live in a cabin in the middle of nowhere or under a rock, I'm pretty sure you're heard some of Passion Pit's tunes. Well their entire new album Manners has been leaked onto the net - and it's really good. Check it out!

Happy Hunting!

Quick Quotes

2009-05-05T15:23:00.003-04:00

Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.
- Evan Esar

Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.
- Albert Einstein

The trouble with America is that there are far too many wide-open spaces surrounded by teeth.
- Charles Luckman

Bored.

2009-05-05T15:07:00.003-04:00

Ugh. I'm totally bored.
I've been up since 6AM and I'm beginning to go a bit stir crazy.
I have a million different shows to watch between my laptop and PVR, but I can only veg out to that for so long. I could be reading, but I'm all anxious and can't concentrate enough to actually do it.
Took my dog for a walk. Tidied the apartment. Washed my dishes. I'm almost ready to start alphabetizing my DVD collection.
Blah.
I hate this feeling.
It's more like a non-feeling, just vacuous and bleak.
The worst thing about it is that there is nothing really negative going on with me - I'm just bored.
I talked about feeling this way sometimes in one of my group sessions and my psychiatrist said that boredom is a strong emotion and can have the same sort of impact as other emotions as anger, frustration, depression etc.
I'd never really thought of boredom as a strong emotion before; today however I get what he meant.
Well that's enough complaining. Gotta get out of the negative mindset, it's no good for anything. Maybe I should just go lay out in the sun.
That sounds like a plan.
Go.

Tracey Ullman's State of the Union

2009-05-05T06:55:00.004-04:00

Alright, now listen. If you haven't yet seen Tracey Ullman's State of the Union, you risk dying without every experience her incredibly funny impersonations of none other than Americans. And really, who doesn't like laughing at Americans? Her show is a variety of satirical impressions on well known celebrities and everyday Joes. Or is it Joe Six pack? Whatever. Anyways, the show is broadcasted on Showtime, which we don't have access to in Canada, you can't even get onto website. I do believe that it is available to watch on The Movie Network if you subscribe to it. Last season it was, so I'm going to assume it is this year as well. If you don't have The Movie Network The show is totally brilliant and Tracey is nothing short of incredible in her outrageous and jaw dropping impersonations. And yes, she plays every part in it. Check out a sample below, it's one of my favourites!

PS. You can download the episodes from the first season and the three new episodes from the second season on your favourite torrent website. Have no shame!

New Audrey Kawasaki Prints

2009-05-05T05:19:00.007-04:00

I love love love Audrey Kawasaki (here's her Wikipedia entry). Check out her website to get a taste of her work and subscribe to her blog. I have two tattoos that are of paintings that she has done. These new prints are looking pretty fab as well, so I predict some more tattoos this summer. Below are two new paintings from this fantastic artist. One of them will be going on sale soon! Another one of those on my wish list that I'll never be able to afford until either I win the lottery or find some generous sugar daddy. Check it out below.

~ My Dishonest Heart ~
giclee print on smooth cotton rag paper
size: 9 1/2"x10 3/4" on a 11"x12 1/8" sheet
with frame: 11 1/2"x12 3/4"

signed and numbered edition of 200
150 of them will be available.
price of unframed: $100
framed: $235
shipping cost: tba

available for purchase:
~ May 9th. Saturday @ 12:00pm~ pacific time~
~check here for the exact time and date in your time zone~

Also, check out some more of her paintings from her show in Japan here.

Well if that isn't a catch phrase...

2009-05-05T05:14:00.003-04:00

Beam me up, Scotty!

2009-05-05T05:09:00.004-04:00

I've seen all the trailers for the new Star Trek movie, I have to admit that I really want to see it. After subjecting myself to 4 years of Battlestar Galactica, I'm giving sci-fi a chance this time around. Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto are pure eye candy, and the trailers look great, so I'm looking forward to it! I found this drawing by Cliff Lipp below on a blog I read and that I'd put it up here - I thought it was pretty cute.

Quick Quotes

2009-05-04T22:18:00.001-04:00

If we were to wake up some morning and find that everyone was the same race, creed and color, we would find some other cause for prejudice by noon.
- George Aiken

People who have no weaknesses are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them.
- Anatole France

My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular.
- Adlai E. Stevenson Jr.

Cotton Candy

2009-05-04T20:24:00.001-04:00

Alright. You caught me.

I LOVE Amanda Lepore! I love everything she's done from all her work with David Lachapelle to the unforgettable contribution she has made to Heatherette's line. Who could forget that infamous video of her naked, applying lipstick compulsively over and and over that played before Heatherette's fashion show. She's totally faboosh - and yes, I just used the word faboosh!

Check out her video below for her new single Cotton Candy, watch for Cazwell's cameo in the vid, he's all geek chic'd and still as hot as ever!

Heavy.

2009-05-04T18:52:00.002-04:00

Today has been heavy.

First, I had a session with my therapist. As always, I enjoyed the session and I got to hash out some things that had been tinkering around in my brain since the last time I saw. Unlike many other sessions where I went in with some dark and brooding emotions, I entered today with mostly positive things to talk about for. This blog, for example, is something that I'm happy about doing, and I think that keeping this sort of journal has many benefits as it forces me to sit down and actually process my thoughts and feelings. As usual, my therapist was great at her job in pointing things out to me that I wouldn't have thought of otherwise. She's always good for that and I wish I could just carry her around in my pocket so she could just keep this running commentary as I go along with my days.

The one thing thing that I went in a little perturbed about was my last session with my Dialectical Behaviour Therapy group. During this session we were working toward identifying seven targets for each of us to work on individually. These targets are either feelings, thoughts or behaviours that have a negative impact on our lives, but furthermore, are things that each of us have a pattern of dealing with. For example, one of my targets is substance abuse, another is feelings of anger and frustration. We did identify some targets that were mandatory to address; these being suicidal ideation or habits, self-harm and substance abuse. These are mandatory as they are the things that can harm us the most, at least in a physical sense.

While we were discussing this, one of the patients asked if her smoking pot had to be one of her targets. Our psychiatrist addressed this by saying that, ultimately, it is our own judgement to decide that but also gave us for questions to ask ourselves in regard to substance abuse. They were as follows:

1. Has substance abuse created problems with your family?
2. Has substance abuse created problems with your friends?
3. Has substance abuse created problems in your work or professional life?
4. Have you had any legal problems due to your usage?

If you had answered yes to any of these questions, it's very likely that you should assess your usage and, thus, substance abuse should probably be one of your targets.

The patient felt that none of those questions were relevant to her, so she felt that her pot smoking was not an issue. Then, another patient quickly made a statement that she felt that no 'healthy' person would partake in activities that involve drinking, drugs or smoking.

Wham! I was shocked by this patient's statement. I felt it was incredibly judgemental and not an appropriate thing to be saying in a group filled with people who mostly all have partaken in any of those activities. I mean, realistically, who has never drank in their life? And if someone goes to the bar and drinks socially with their friends, does that really make them an 'unhealthy' person? We then had a break and I tried to let this commentary go by without any dispute.

However, the next thing we talked about in the group were things that either patients or therapists/doctors/moderators of the group could do that would negatively impact the therapeutic value of the group. Some things included refusal to take the discussions seriously, not finishing homework that had been assigned, or even the therapist not fully validating something that a group member had said. The one that stuck out to me, though, was participants make negative judgements on each other.

When this was brought up, I felt it was necessary to voice my opinion on the statement that the other patient had made regarding substance use. I said that I felt it was an unfair judgement to make upon people, and that while each person is entitled to their own opinion, the statement was very alienating - especially since the other patient had been discussing her use of pot. The patient was very defensive toward what I had expressed, and for the rest of the session, you could tell by her body language that she had been hurt by what I said. Our psychiatrist picked up on that and felt it was necessary to breach the subject again to form some closure over it. I further explained that I was not saying her opinion on substance use was wrong, not was I say that people should do drugs. I simply felt that by stating what she had said, she risked alienating other clients, thus rendering them less comfortable discussing those such matters.

The patient who had made this judgemental statement then concluded that it was her own opinion, and that if someone was offended by it, it was not her problem.

Wow. I don't think I've ever actually heard someone be so blatantly ignorant. Yes, we all have our own opinions, and yes, many of them would probably offended other people. My point, however, was that it was not the appropriate time or place to be preaching such things - this is a group of people who all mostly suffer from borderline personality disorder, and substance abuse is going to be a very prevalent issue. The group is not a place to be making such rigid judements. Everyone has an opinion - but that doesn't mean you need to share your opinion all the time. I think it is only common courtesy to consider other peoples' backgrounds and experiences, and know when not to voice such a thing.

I discussed this matter with my therapist today and explained how I was a little reluctant about today's group session, as I felt like the previous session had not ended with the closure that was needed. Well boy was right.

When the session started, one of the moderators said that the patient (who had made the judgemental comment) wanted to speak to the group. So for the next 10 minutes I was subjected to tyranny of pure passive aggression. She declared that she stood by her statement, and that it was not a matter of discussion. Her view was the correct one and there was no discussion. She then went on a rant about how 'some people' (obviously me, since I was the one who spoke up against her) were clearly in a state of denial and that they weren't prepared to deal with the hard facts. She went on for what felt like forever, all while everyone in the group keeps sneaking looks at me to see my reaction. She further declared that she was above this group and that she was only being subjected to things that she had already fixed in her life. And with that, she said she quit and left.

I don't think I can begin to describe how I felt after that. Not only was I subjected to such a passive assault on something that I only voiced to help maintain the sanctity of the group, but suddenly I had become this villain who had driven this patient to quit. I refused to breakdown in front of the group, so I excused myself, sat in the bathroom and cried it out. I then returned to the group and we went on.

Luckily, after my emotional reaction was stunted, I was able to look at the situation in a different light. My comment was made with nothing but good intentions. I was trying to diffuse any possible future situation where another client would feel that they were being judged by any other member of the group. Also, this patient quitting was not fault. She was incapable of dealing with someone's opinion that she did not agree with. She took the easy road and rather than sticking to her own views and continuing with the group, she quit and only further demonstrated the severity of her borderline personality disorder. Borderline patients suffer from black and white thinking. Either you're on their side, or you're against them. They also have incredible abandonment issues, real or imagined. Obviously this situation was that of an imagined abandonment as nobody had condemned or exiled her from the group. We simply hashed out something that was necessary to discuss so as to avoid any future problems. I can say this all, as well, because I have the same issues with the black and white thinking and fear of abandonment. In the end, I came out stronger because I did not leave the group. I listened to everything that had to be said, and while I was emotionally reeling from what I felt was a direct assault on me and my integrity, I over came it. After I was able to see the situation from a more rational perspective, I realized that the course of events were neither my fault, nor was I wrong. Neither of us were wrong - we just didn't agree. She, however, ran away from the situation, and I feel sorry for her as the group is very helpful and effective. I think I could use her own words in saying "I guess some people just aren't ready to face their own problems."

So that was my day. Heavy, as I said before, but I can't help but feel a sense of accomplishment for standing by my values and not running away from a conflict. Quite the opposite of heavy, my sense of achievement feels like I've shed pounds of baggage and continued with my ongoing personal development.

Martyrs now out on DVD

2009-05-04T11:58:00.004-04:00

I have an obsession with French films. The French know how to make a good movie, and they do it over and over again. In recent time, there has a been a trend of what some are calling the French Extreme, which is to say they are all horror films. Some examples of these are Haute Tension (High Tension), À l'intérieur (Inside), Frontières, and most recently Martyrs.

Martyrs is on my list of the all time greatest flicks that I've seen. The movie is gory beyond belief, and utterly visceral. I do not recommend it for anyone faint of heart. Also, opinions have been very divided, even amongst horror fans, as the movie has a much deeper intention. The audience does not know what this intention is until the very end of the movie, and many by this point will have given up on the movie.

For myself, I absolutely loved it. The ending left me reeling and the conclusion left me constantly reflecting on metaphysics, human condition and life after death.

I fully recommend this movie to any horror fan, but also to anyone that is open minded and can truly appreciate what the film truly represents. Don't yell at me though if you're disgusted or think it's a let down - my opinion weighs heavy on the good side of the film.

Watch the trailer for it here (I apologize for the lack of subtitles, but the images will say enough)

NOTE: I don't know why, but the video uploaded upside down. Sorry for that, here's where you can watch it elsewhere.

You can buy the movie here on Amazon, but for any poor folk like myself, you can also find in on many torrent websites, along with the appropriate subtitles.

Feed the Horse

2009-05-04T08:12:00.000-04:00

I read about the band, Fagget Fairys, quite some time ago. I must say that I was a little apprehensive about them simply by name, but I've come to accept it as ironic and just a little cheeky. Check out their video for their track Feed the Horse, you'll fall in love with them just as quickly as I have! Also, here is a link their MySpace page

Tentacles anyone?

2009-05-04T07:50:00.000-04:00

I've stumbled across some images by an artist name Jeremy Forson, and I absolutely love them! Sadly I don't have the money buy prints of all the amazing artwork that I come across. However, I get to admire the images on my computer, and perhaps someone who reads this will be able to support these artist by buying their works. You can purchase Jeremy's prints at the link below

Jeremy Forson @ Etsy

Lyon - $30
Limited edition of 50. Printed with Epson Ultrachrome Ink on Epson Ultra Premium Presentation Paper. Image is about 11×11.5″

Fridge - $20
Handmade screen print. 10″ x 10″ Edition of 20.

Tentacles - $20
Image size 11.25×9. Epson Ultrachrome inkjet print. Edition of 25.

The End

2009-05-04T01:44:00.000-04:00

Well I've gotten through the final episode of Battlestar Galactica.

I don't quite know how to describe my feelings toward it. In one sense, it ended with a very positive and optimistic conclusion. It's bittersweetness was appreciated, but at the same time, I can't help but feel like the ending didn't quite mesh with overall mood of the series. The show has thrived on it's dark and brooding atmosphere, so this ending almost seemed like it is from an entirely different show. On the other hand, I suppose if the show was left with an inconclusive ending and a more sinister outcome, I probably would still have the same uncertainty toward the finale.

I guess my ambiguity stems mostly from the reality that the show is over. I've felt since the beginning of the series, that it is one of the most intelligently written shows ever. The fact that I am totally not a sci-fi fan further reinforces this sentiment. The show transcended beyond the stereotypical sci-fi show to a series that demonstrated the fragility of human existence and forced us to reflect on the meaning of life and tackled countless topics that we, in society today, have been dealing with. When people ask me about the show I always tell them that it is a very serious drama dealing with human condition, it just happens to take place in space. That space factor is so small in comparison to the larger themes of the show. With myself being someone who doesn't particularily like sci-fi, but has become so attached to the series, I think it only proves the integrity of the show. I look forward to any future tv series that can come even close to the experience that Battlestar Galactica has provided.

What can I say? I'm saddened that the show has ended, but I've enjoyed every bit of the series and I will cherish my memories of it for time all time to come. Plus, I'll probably spend immeasurable time convincing people I know to watch the series, if only for their own betterment.

So, if you haven't watched the show, rent the mini-series on DVD and give it a try. I promise, once you get through that you'll be hooked on it. If not, you can tell me to frack myself. (You'll get that little joke after watching the show).

The Last Supper

2009-05-03T23:34:00.000-04:00

So anybody that knows me, knows how completely obsessed I am with Battlestar Galactica.

I've followed the show religiously and my affinity for it only grew with each new twist.

Well, the show is over now. It has been for quite some time. I, however, have been putting off watching the final episode since it aired. I don't know what it is, but it's like once I watch it, the show will truly be done then. It's like knowing a loved one is going to die, but you keep denying it to yourself so that it never becomes real.

Well, tonight I've decided that it's time. I don't know what to expect - probably some tears, probably some ooooohs and aaahhhhhs, but most likely a bitter sweet ending to something that I've loved for such a long time.

Wish me luck.

Marina & the Diamonds

2009-05-03T23:21:00.000-04:00

She is Marina.

We are her diamonds.

So couple months back I came across this incredible new artist who goes by Marina & the Diamonds.

She's incredible. If I had to describe her, I would say she has the creativity and technical prowess on the piano as Tori Amos, with the sharp tongue and quick wit of Liz Phair. Well, old Liz Phair.

Check out her blog here.

Better yet, check out her MySpace page so you can get a taste of just how good she is.

More, more, more...

2009-05-03T18:18:00.003-04:00

Well after finishing my last posting, I kind of felt like I should post something else. My intentions in starting this blog were more for the therapeutic value of a diary or journal, but I often get caught up in something else, like the Victoria Stafford case, and forget what my original intentions were.

Where to start? Well for a very long time, since I was about 13, I have struggled with major depression accompanied by substance abuse as well as other self-harming activities. Growing up gay in the small town of K-town, where I was bullied to the extent of being beaten up and sexual assaulted in my Grade 9 phys ed class, is what I think was the catalyst for the increasing depression.

I had always been a very high achiever and had many friends, up until I started high school. Before school started in the fall of Grade 9, most of my friends disowned me based on the stigma of me being 'that gay guy', the 'fag'. What was worse though was that and that time, I hadn't even come out of the closet. Needless to say, coming out while at K-town District Secondary School
wasn't an option. I can even imagine how much worse things would have been for me then. To take a prime example of this is to share what my principle's reaction was when my parents contacted her about my being bullied and my attack in gym change rooms. She stated "Joshua is different from the other boys, and therefore he intimidates them." Whatever rationale she was making this on clearly was not of someone who should be the principal of a high school. Our reaction to her statement was nothing less that total disgust. She wanted me to return to my gym class because the teacher was now aware of the bullying, so it shouldn't be an issue anymore. She had no regard for traumatic effect that the incident and years of bullying had on me. After much arguing, my parents were able to have me exempted from the class, and in turn, I was to do an independent study on something health related. I did the project, and the anxiety of having to walk into my gym class with all the guys that had assaulted me, was gone, thankfully. The bullying, however, didn't disappear. It continued for the two years that I attended the highschool in K-town

I started to hang out with the kids that were sort of rebels - you know, the ones out in the smoking pit who weren't quite popular, but cool because they rebelled against the norms. This was great, having a group of friends, but unfortunately this was also the group of friends that introduced me to drugs, drinking and smoking. During this period, my depression was still as strong, and actually got worse. I had two suicide attempts, one that brought me to the emergency room, the other left me in the Intensive Care Unit for a week. I had taken two bottles of extra strength Tylenol which resulted in permanent liver and kidney damage. After I was released, life went on like nothing had happened. What kills me is that the stigma and shame around my two attempts were overshadowed by the need to maintain a proper image within the community; my mom ran a very succesful daycare in town, and my dad was a teacher and president of the teachers union, thus both were well known in the community. My parents would argue otherwise, but to this day I still believe that they overlooked the severity of my depression out of pride.

Afterwards, I continued with my high achievements in school, maintaining my high grades, but managed to keep my parents at bay with the things I was doing outside of school. In grade 10, the opportunity arose to go on a Rotary Club International Youth Exchange. The application process was gruelling to say the least, but based on my high achievements and strong inter-personal skills, and I was accepted into the program.

Grade 10 then mostly became about my exchange. Suddenly I had something to look forward to, and the idea of getting out of K-town outweighed all the negatives things that were going on in my life. I had tunnel vision and all that I could see was me leaving on that jet plane to somewhere else. That place turned out to be France, and I couldn't be more apprecitive of my luck in that.

I don't care to describe my year in France in many details, mostly because it was both the worst and best year of my life. I lived in the beautiful city of Annecy, equipped with the cleanest lake in Europe and surrounded by the Swiss Alps. I was able to make many friends and to my delight, I got to be involved in the gay community. This was both a good and bad thing, though, as France is liberal in one sense, but in another they are very conservative. I lived with four host families, three being fantastic and one that was absolute hell. In a condense version of the year, I overcame many obstacles, got to see a world outside of K-town, made many friends that I will hold dearly forever, but also had to deal with many struggles such as the pure hatred that the Rotary Club in Annecy had for me after discovering I was gay. Overall, the good outweighs the bad, and the bad only prepared me for obstacles that I would later face in life.

After returning to Canada and K-town, I vowed that I was not going to stay in K-town. I had told this to my parents before leaving for France, but I don't think they took it as seriously as I had meant it. I had a friend who had moved to G-town for university, and by her many stories and descriptions of G-town, I decided that was where I was going. I told my parents that they could either help me, or that I would do it on my own, no matter what I had to do. I was not going to stay in K-town and continue to die with each passing day. Luckily, my parents gave me their support by paying for my living expenses and food, until I finished highschool, which was two years later.

My experience in G-town is a mixed bag of good and bad, but I can now appreciate all that it did for me. Being a fulltime high school student, while living on my own was extremely difficult as I had the responsibilites of an adult, while still being a teenager. Also, G-town had more accesibility to drugs, which I got caught up in. I realize now that my drug use was a way to escape the extreme pressure that I felt between my repsonsiblities being this pseudo-adult and my high expectations for school. Furthermore, in my last year of school, I took on a fulltime job working nights, so I had the added pressure of going to school fulltime while also working fulltime. I managed to graduate with honors, but I know that had I been going to school while still living with my parents, my path would have taken me someplace else entirely. When I graduated, I was burnt out and the thought of post-secondary school was more than overwhelming. Plus, I had lost focus on things and was living day by day, rather than having set goals. I knew I wanted to go to University, but I just didn;'t know what for, and I needed time to just relax and live.

The next three years went by in what seems like warp speed. I stayed in G-town for a while, had an tumultuous relationship that had killed my self-esteem and self-worth, moved back home to my parents' (who had since moved to S-town), moved in with a boyfriend in K2-town, moved back to S-town, moved in with a boyfriend in S-town and finally left to attend University for Film Studies.

I don't know what happened in those three years, but I lost myself. I've said many times that I had felt lost and like I was just doing a bad impression of myself, but I don't think anyone, including myself could ever understand what I meant. When I applied to university, I told myself that if I wasn't accepted, I would kill myself. Somehow university had become the end all to everything. Luckily, I worked my ass off and was accepted to their Image Arts program, specializing in film. The program is extremely competitive with only approximately 60 people being accepted from a pool of over 1000 applicants.

This acceptance into school suddenly redeemed me, or well at least in my mind. I had myself so messed up that I thought that if I couldn't get into university, I was hopeless. For all the years that I lived on my own, I felt abandoned by my parents and somehow worthless. In my mind, getting into university validated me and proved to the world that I was more than just a high school graduate.

When I left for school, I had very high expectations for myself and had the most positive outlook. However, when I started my classes, I was crippled by the fear of failure. I felt like the people in my classes were so much better than me and that I didn't belong there. I fell back into substance abuse as a way to excuse my behaviour, but I realize now, I just had no self-esteem left. For years while I was growing up, I was an exceptional and high-achieving student who gained the praise and admiration from my parents and teachers. This was something of a life line for me. While living in G-town, I was in survival mode, just focused on finishing school with good grades. University, however, was different. I had to work independently, for myself, with out the constant approval of my teachers and parents. What was even more damaging, though, was that in my mind, my parents had abandoned all hope for me. I felt like they only saw my flaws and the bad things I had done, and weren't giving me the praise that I had come to rely on. Now, though, I realize I just had low-self esteem and major abandonment issues.

The year at university zoomed by in an untimely fashion and I returned to S-town. Having beaten myself up for not being the same high achiever in university as I had been in elementary and high school, I was pretty desperate. After being told countless times that I should be a hairdresser, I enrolled in a hair styling course here in S-town. The sad thing about this though was that I had never seriously consider hair styling, I always felt I could do more. However, I felt like I had failed in school and this was the only thing that I was capable of.

I attended the hair styling school for three month, and hated it the entire time. In K-town, I was always the gay guy who was hated, but at the hair school I was the 'gay guy'. All the girls liked me and because of my sexuality, I drew so much unwanted attention. I never go out of my way to say that I'm gay, most people just pick up on it. At the hair school though, I was suddenly fulfilling the clichéd role as the stereotypical gay hairdresser. I felt like a self-fulfilling cliche. I hated how my sexuality always seemed to be a topic, and I resented the alienation I felt being the only guy there, and the scrutiny I received from all the red neck clients who went there for cheap hair cuts. Suddenly the depression that had never really left came back with a vengeance. I stopped going to school, and eventually dropped out. This further led me to devalue myself and proved my unfair judgement of myself that I was hopeless. I became in a state of arrested development.

It's been about 2 years since then, and in my mind, I've made a lot of progress. I've worked with one therapist during this whole time, and she has helped me immensely. Also, after having been seen by a psychiatrist for the past 4 years, I think I'm finally on the correct medications. In my lifetime I've been told I was major depressive, bipolar with generalized anxiety with borderline personality disorder. Bipolar has been ruled out, as the medications that they prescribe for it had no effect on me. To this day, I do not know what my formal diagnosis is, and to be frank, I don't really want to know. I applied for the Disability Support Program last March, and in doing so, I had to have my psychiatrist submit a report on me. When I got the report back, it was about an inch thick. I was tempted to read it, but then decided that I didn't want to know what he had written. I am skeptical in how psychiatrists diagnose people, especially with how I can only see mine every 2 months as that is all our provincial medical benefits will cover. What I do care about though is my work with my therapist and the having the right medications. Over the years I've had polarized opinions on medication, but having gone through the experiences of being on so many different drugs, I've grown to recognize that the right ones really do help me. For all the skeptics and naysayers, all I can say is would you look down on someone who takes medication for a heart problem? Unfortunately our society doesn't fully understand or validate mental illness and subsequently there is a lot of debate over the use of psychiatric drugs. Those arguments aside, I know that the medications I take now help me immensely, and other peoples' opinions are irrelevant. My well being takes precedence over any body's personal views, and I can't even really condemn those such people either. Mental illness is tough to understand, and unless someone has a family member or friend who struggles with it, but even more importantly, someone who admits to or recognizes their illness, it can seem to be a work of fiction. Taking that into consideration, I make a point of being open with the people I am close with and have no shame explaining my experiences. More importantly though, I do not solicit attention from people for my difficulties, my intentions are only to advocate for people who share the same sort of issues and hopefully make people understand mental illness better. It's kind of like the pink elephant in the room that no one want to mention. If the stigma around mental illness is not overcome, our society risks losing so many people to it. Take into consideration the number of people who have lost someone close to them from suicide, and simply because that person didn't know where or who to reach out to, or worse, feared being rejected by admitting to their problems.

Currently I am doing very well. Through much hard work with my therapist I have gained back much of the self-esteem that I have lost over the years. I've learnt that as a child, all of my high achievements and dedication to being a great student was really a coping mechanism for me. My family is quite chaotic and has many many issues, and by me achieving all those high achievements, it was my way of managing parents the best I could. If I was doing well, my parents would react in a positive manner, and thus diffusing a possible fight if I had not down well. Also, by being this great student who was so outgoing, I became an object of pride and something for my parents to brag about, which in turn countered being a reason to complain. This need for approval forced me to develop a sense of self worth based on other peoples' acceptance. Thus, as an adult now, I'm not going to receive all the ooohs and ahhhhs from my parents or other people that I would as a child. I've also been able to identify many of the core issues that my family, as a unit, is troubled with. All families have problems, and part of growing up is just identifying those problems and stopping them from preventing to develop into mature and independent adult. I've realized that as I grew up, intellectually I was maturing, but emotionally I was still that little boy who needed approval.

Furthermore, I've learned to view my parents and family members as individuals, who all have their own strengths and weaknesses. I still hold my parents responsible for many of the negative things that I've encountered in my life, but more importantly, I've learned that I am responsible for fixing those things. Blaming my parents for the rest of my life won't help anything; taking control of my life will.

Last summer I was hospitalized for about a month. That provided me with the opportunity to get out of all the craziness with my family, and face my own problems. It was the hardest four weeks of my life, but it was what I needed. It provided me a safe place where I could remove myself from my negative environment and actually identify what my real problems were. I soon after approved for Disability Support, I was able to move out of my parents' house, and it has
probably been the best thing for me.

In note of that, I feel it is important for me to explain that I have no intentions of living off disability and sitting on my butt for the rest of my life. In fact, before I was hospitalized I had accepted a very good job with a real estate firm in administration, and I held that job for almost 7 months after getting out of the hospital. Unfortunately, I was let go unfairly and currently have a file open with Labour Board that is being reviewed now. I honestly loved my job there, but due to some very inappropriate comments that my supervisor made to me regarding my stay at the hospital, I left before breaking down in front of her, or exploding and making a huge scene. I asked the owner for the three of us to sit down together and discuss the matter, but his response was to terminate me immediately before hearing my side of the story. God only knows what my supervisor. The only pure and true reason I have gone to the Labour Board is that I honestly feel that I was unfairly terminated, and I won't just bend over and take it. I'm the only one that can advocate for myself, and that's what I'm going to do.

Since then, I have been looking for a job, but between the recession and with S-town being so seasonal with their tourist season, it has been very difficult. With the summer months approaching, things should improve as the tourism is the main industry in S-town, so most bars and restaurants will be hiring (hopefully!).

Currently, I have been taking part in a group called Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which I attend twice a week for 9 months. I have been enjoying it a lot, and so far, it has been quite effective. The objective of the group is to teach the members how to identify and cope with our emotions. Sounds so simple, but all of us in the group, we've struggled through our lives to understand and regulate our emotions. I feel extremely lucky to be part of this group while I am 25, as many of the members are 50 years and older. I am very fortunate to have this opportunity to learn these skills at this age and be able to put them to use while I am still young.

As for future goals, I have decided to leave S-town once my lease is up. My lease ends at the end of July, but I believe my group therapy course runs about a month longer. So once my course is done, and my lease is up, I'm going to move back to G-town. I've come to realize that S-town has been holding me back. I came here to seek refuge in my family, and somehow I got stuck in a time warp and have just stuck here. The only thing that ties me to S-town is my family. I don't have a close circle of friends, I don't have a great job here - it's just been a waste of time. G-town, however, has much more to offer me. Since I went to highschool there, I have a group of friends that I miss dearly, the city has much more to offer culturally and with the size of the city, there are many more job opportunities. Most importantly though, they have the University there! I've decided to go back to university and study psychology. I've overcome many of the negative judgements that I'd pushed onto myself and recognized that I still am that smart little boy that I used to be. I've got the potentials and I've got the goods to succeed and I know now that I am going to achieve great things. My only enemy is myself, and as long as I continue to pursue my personal development, nothing going to hold me back. No longer am I looking for the praise or approval of my parents, family or peers. I'm doing this for myself - and that is my greatest asset.

And wow, I've practically written a novel here, so I think I'll sign off with that.

Look out for great things to come - Joshua is back!

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

2009-05-03T17:03:00.000-04:00

Well, I figured it was time to start a new blog. I had started one before, but after some irrational paranoia about who was reading it, I took it down. So here is my new blog - Tada!

It's Sunday today, and I have to say that this is my least favourite day of the week. I'm currently not working or in school, so Sunday doesn't produce the same sort of anxiety for me as it would to someone otherwise. I don't know what it is about this day, but I always find it dreary and seems to hang with the weight of some unknown disaster. Maybe it's just a result of having been in school for so long.

So far, today has been somewhat eventful. Well as eventful as possible for a day where I've been in my pajamas vegging out on my laptop all day at my parents'. Back in December, I caught an interview on Larry King with the parents of Casey Anthony, mother of Caylee Anthony. I had not heard about any of them or the case, but when I was immediately consumed with the case. For anyone who is unfamiliar with Caylee or Casey, check out the this link from Wikipedia, it will give you a quick run down on what has been nothing short of a freak show. For anyone too lazy to read the article, Casey Anthony is a woman from Florida whose 3 year old daughter Caylee was missing for 31 days before reporting it. Subsequently, Caylee remains have been found and Casey is now being charged in the death of her daughter.

Coincidentally, while I began to take notice of this case, I was also reading a book called We Disappear by Scott Heim, who also wrote the novel Mysterious Skin, which was adapted for film by the brilliant director, Greg Araki (Nowhere, The Doom Generation, Totally F**ked Up). The novel dealt with a mother who had been kidnapped as a child who then becomes consumed by missing persons.

Since finding out about it,I've followed the Caylee Anthony case religiously and have been following a few websites about missing persons (http://crimesearchersonline.com/, http://scaredmonkeys.com/, http://www.websleuths.com/forums/home.php) Currently I only really read the CrimeSearchers website. Websleuths just has too many users who are idiots and Scared Monkeys post a lot of articles regarding political matters and they are definitely Republicans, or in Canadian terms, waaaaay Conservative.

It has been incredible to learn about how many people go missing everyday all over the world, and by how little people actually know about it. When you go to these sights, you'll see all kinds of pictures of people that have are missing, and it is absolutely mind boggling. What is worse, though, is the inequality that each of these missing people are subjected to. Only a lucky few are followed for more than a short period of time by the media; and even less get any media exposure whatsoever.

Anyways, recently in Woodstock, Ontario, and 8 year old girl named Victoria 'Tori' Stafford has gone missing. Immediately I forward all the information to CrimeSearchers. They are an American based website, which also uploads to 16 other websites. Though it is American, I thought that any exposure could be helpful.

The day she went missing, she was caught on a parking lot surveillance video walking with a woman in a white puffy jacket and dark jeans. You can see the video here. Since then, a composite drawing of the woman has been released.

Recently, while reading the CrimeSearchers site, there was a posting about a woman that was seen at a vigil held for Tori in a Zellers parking lot. The resemblance is scary. Below is the composite picture beside the woman seen in the video of the vigil.

I posted the picture on a Facebook group and instantly there were many replies. I then e-mail the pictures and websites to the Oxford County Police.

I was surprised by how many people had not seen this picture. The similarities of the two was noted by an American blogger and it was posted onto the CrimeSearchers. Here is the blog article and also the video from the vigi l.

What I find to be very interesting is how these things are carried out in the media, and the unseen separation between Canada and the US. Very few people here in Canada have followed or known about the Caylee Anthony case, and had I not forwarded the Tori Stafford information, I doubt very many people in the states would know about it. I think this is very unfortunate, as each of these missing children and persons deserve the same dedication and effort in making people aware of their disappearances. It would be an incredible advantage if these people could be found by simply both the American and Canadian media reporting them. What's more unfortunate, though, is how the media only follows things that are sensational and take advantage of people's morbid interest in such things. Sensationalism sells, and that's all the matters in this capitalist society. Hopefully, one day the media will change their mode of operation; but I doubt any of us will live to see that day.

Thus, I just hope that little Tori can been found and that this h0rror story can be put to rest.

Please, if anyone has any information, even what might seem like something silly, please contact the Oxford County Police, CrimeStoppers (their numbers can be found on the flyer posted above) or by going to this website - www.toricomehome.com

UPDATE: I do not know whether or not this woman has been identified already. I apologize if my posting of the comparison pictures has created any unnecessary drama, my only intention was to help find Tori.

Whoever loves becomes humble. Those who love have, so to speak, pawned a part of their narcissism.”
Sigmund Freud